Insane

Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again but expecting different results. THIS is driving me insane.... or perhaps I already am. I just cannot seem to stay on track. Why do I cave? I don't like doing it, I feel like complete crap afterwards and ruin my healthy streak. It's so not worth it yet it keeps happening. What the hell happened to my willpower? Ya know, I really don't expect to be perfect. Nobody is, but man do I fail in style. I know slipping up wouldn't be so bad if I were exercising too. I've got to find a way to work that into my day. I wake up at 5am to catch my 6am bus. There are no gyms near my work and it's a damn scary area to be walking outside. Three days a week when I get home I feed the kids a quick snack before taking them to gymnastics. When we get home it's homework time & then bedtime. By the time that is all finished it's 9pm and I haven't had any time to myself. I really want to get to bed by 10pm since my day starts so early.

Thankfully I have great communication with my dear husband so he is going to take over some of the gymnastic evenings. Therefore I'd get to spend extra time at home hopefully opening up some time to workout. Hopefully a body in motion will make the falling off the wagon part less of a blow.

Must

Keep

Working

My trend

It occurred to me this weekend that I have a monthly weight loss trend. And that it would greatly benefit me to break the cycle. It's roughly a 4 week cycle... gee I wonder why ;) Anyway, it goes as follows -

Week 1 I do OK maybe shed a pound, I'm really working hard at getting on track.

Week 2 Is really great. I'm down probably 2 or 3 pounds.

Week 3 I am getting PMS-y and crave everything under the sun the week before my period. Gain some.

Week 4 I'm bloating, retain water, gain or retain weight. Things get better the day AF arrives.

Start over.

Week 1 I struggle to regain composure and have to fight to lose the weight I've just gained.

Week 2 I manage to sneak down on the scale.

Week 3 ... you get the idea

So far I've managed to lose enough during weeks 1&2 that I'm slowly working my way down the scale at the average of one pound a week. This is week 9 or so on the Atkins diet and I am indeed down a total of 9 pounds from my starting weight at that time. (16 pounds down from my highest) For most people on the Atkins plan the weight just flies off. I think I would have better results if I could just contain myself during weeks 3&4.

Today marks the beginning of week 3 for me. And I can tell. I just need to EAT. Chocolate would be fantastic. A Hershey bar followed by a vanilla shake sounds just perfect for breakfast. Well, now that I've typed it out it's not so hot. I need to hold onto control. I need to keep my ultimate goals in mind. As Lance Armstrong puts it - LIVE STRONG

A week

I can't believe it's been a whole week already since I last posted. It's just flown by. Although there is not much to report. I still am not putting together eating healthy with exercise on the same day. That's getting a little old. However I'm finding it hard to workout at all so I guess staying on plan is a good thing to be concentrating on. My oldest daughter has gymnastics twice a week and rock climbs with daddy another night. Then my youngest daughter has gymnastics on a different night. There is a lot of running around in my life now. Finding time to workout is difficult. I had wanted to go walking while gymnastics was going on, but I'm in the middle of a project. I find those nights of waiting around perfect time to focus on this project. Perhaps I could convince myself to split the time between walking & working. That would be the smart thing to do.

Even without exercise the scale is moving in the direction I want it to go. That's a huge bonus. I'm actually looking forward to my weigh-in for 3FC's Biggest Loser. And I think I'll be making my September goal weight as well. GO ME!

NSV

Non-Scale Victory. Such lovely words. After taking my photo yesterday I thought I should do some measuring. These results are comparative to last month's measurements, not overall. My chest was the same, but I've lost two inches around my bra line. My ribs are there! I'm down an inch around my belly button however I'm still the same around the big bulk of my belly below my belly button. I guess my melting from the top downward theory is correct. My hips are down a half inch. My upper thigh is down TWO inches!! My knees and calves are down half an inch each. Oh, and my upper arms are down an inch as well.

I'm almost to the point of needing new bras. The cups are fine however I'm on the inner most clasp and it's still a little loose. I could zip up my knee high boots this morning with ease. In the past I've had to stuff some fat into them & hold the zipper tight to get them closed. The shirt I'm wearing today used to be tight in the sleeves but now it looks like a normal shirt should. I've previously only worn this shirt with a covering sweater to hide my arms and upper back rolls. Today I'm confident without the cover. I'm sure it doesn't look stunning, but it's a huge accomplishment for me to not wear layers to hide behind.

Melting is not so pretty

I seem to be melting downward. It's not so pretty. While I am grateful that stuff is happening... well, why can't it look nice while it happens?? I love that I'm nice & slim on my upper waist (makes my boobs look bigger) but it's super ugly now that it's pronouncing my belly. I look more pregnant now that I'm loosing weight that I did at my heaviest. That's just sad. I've also figured out that I'm losing on the sides - so I'm not as wide however my belly sticks out more.

I've joined in the Biggest Loser at 3FC. I'm really excited about this, it's great motivation as I don't want to let my team down. I can't seem to eat right AND exercise on any given day. Hopefully the Biggest Loser will remind me to be vigilant at every turn.

Goals and rewards

They've never worked for me in the past. For two reasons, first because usually the only rewards I can think of are food oriented. Like try a restaurant I've been eyeing or indulging in a treat day... which is horrible itself because that causes me to over-do it. The other reason rewards don't work for me is because, well, I am an impatient bastard. I think of something non food related and I can't wait. Once that thought is in my mind I can't think of much else until gratification.

So as I've been mulling over goals, rewards, binging, staying on plan, exercise, etc., it occurs to me that my overall problem, the thing that relates to all these topics is my need for instant gratification. I tend to not reach my weight loss goals because it doesn't happen fast enough. And of course binging / going off plan is the epitome of instant gratification. Therefore I think it's time to make some short term goals and rewards that are do-able and good practise in delayed gratification. They are:

1. Well, I don't have a reward for my first goal, but I'm already striving for it so it remains Goal #1 - to reach 10 hours of exercise by Labor Day.
2. To shed 5 pounds by Sept 25th. I've been thinking about getting my eyebrow pierced. If I reach this goal an eyebrow piercing will be a gift I give myself for my birthday in October.
3. To lose another 5 pounds (10 pounds total) by my birthday, October 25th. I desire (oh gosh this is personal to be typing!) a Brazilian wax.
4. My last short-to-mid-term goal is to go through my Wii Active 30 Day Challenge TWICE! Now I'm doing the medium setting and next I'll do the hard setting. This will put me into November which is perfect for my next reward - my sister-in-law will have completed P90X and ready to pass it on to me. I've been eyeing P90X for a very long time. If I can accomplish Goals 1-4 I think I'll be ready to start P90X without dying.

These goals seem great to me, and very attainable. They take me through the autumn and when I've completed them I'll be ready to set some great new goals and rewards for the Holiday season. For the first time I'm actually excited about having short term goals instead of just focusing on the huge picture.

Choices

It's all about the choices we make, isn't it? I could choose to dwell on this past weekend, sinking deeper and losing control. But that's not a choice I like, no thank you. I've chosen to continue to work towards my short term goal. I wanted to complete 10 hours of exercise before Labor Day. When I started that was just a 1/2 hour a day. But since I had some problems keeping sane at the end of August it's turned into a hour a day. And damn skippy does that feel good!! I even woke up early this morning to get in front of the Wii Active 30 Day Challenge because I knew it'd be hard to do later in the day with the stuff I have going on.

Normally I take the bus to work, but since I have access to our car this week I've been driving. This also puts a twist on lunch. Usually I pack a healthy lunch but the lure of getting to actually leave the building at lunch is such a huge draw that I feel compelled to take advantage. Dairy Queen is nearby. So is McDonald's. But those aren't good choices so I've passed them up! Instead I've been opting for deli salads, chicken tacos and Subway (the good menu).

It's just been me & the kids at home since last Friday. My husband is on an awesome rock climbing trip in Yosemite. I didn't really realize how much I've come to depend on him. It's never been like that before. He always has a climbing trip, I go visit friends around the country on my own... yes we appreciate being together but we don't *need* each other. However I'm really struggling this time. I feel very alone. In the past I've liked being home without him, I seem to get so much accomplished and actually get to control the clicker ;) But here I am faced with another choice. I can brood over the fact that he's not returning until Labor Day or I can make the decision to get over it. I'm NOT going to sit & eat bon-bons in the hope that chocolate will fill the space. What good will that do? I'm not sure what the "right choice" is here, but I do know that it has something to do with the power of distraction.

If I had actually fallen

If I had actually fallen, I probably would have landed myself in the hospital with all sorts of broken bones, bruises and scratches. Boy oh boy did I fall off the wagon this weekend! I'm super ashamed to admit yet I know it's the only way I'll move past it and hopefully get the support I need.

2 Dairy Queen runs

1 bag of M&M's

a chocolate cake (no I didn't eat the whole thing but I didn't have to make it!)

pepperoni pizza

Wendy's.

I have purchased everything I need to go back to Phase 1, Induction, with dinner tonight. I refuse to be beaten by this, I'm getting back on my feet. Luckily I did keep up with some exercise over the weekend. I played a little Wii sports and then cleaned the playroom. I have 3 bags off to Goodwill, it's all vacuumed and dusted and organized into bins. Whew :)

Weigh-in is going to have to wait. I'm not stepping on the scale when I'm so depressed about an awful weekend. Some might say I have the potential to be surprised, however I don't have the human support to pick me up if it is bad. I feel really alone in this. I wonder if everyone just assumes I'll fail so they don't want to get involved. Or maybe I'm too self absorbed in it, people don't want to talk to me about it anymore. I don't know. I just think I'm a friend repellent.

Despite the gloomy friend outlook I'm still determined to not let this weight beat me. I've had a weekend off and now I'm back on board with a vengeance. GO ME!

Thank you UPS man

My regular UPS driver just dropped off a package and asked me if I'd been losing weight. Why yes, yes UPS man I have been! :) I like that guy

I'm also really liking my TheraShoes I purchased last week. I'm no longer sore like I was when first wearing them, but I can still feel them working. I'm not sure I should workout in them however. The off balance could be beneficial but I don't want to hurt myself either.

The Wii Active 30 Day Challenge workout last night was kick ass. I'm pretty sure I lunged, squatted and high kicked my derriere off. That's good, that huge thing needs to go. After that I was feeling quite pumped so did some basketball moves, more boxing and some dance moves. I think my total clock time was an hour & a half.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention - my dedication victory. Last night I was at my mom's for dinner. She made spaghetti. I didn't hide the fact that I wasn't going to eat the noodles. Usually I'm ashamed to admit I'm trying to lose weight so just eat smaller portions of whatever good & fattening thing she's made (she's a fantastic cook but doesn't pay attention to healthy ingredients). It was a little awkward denying the helping of noodles and just eating the meat sauce. I also don't think she believed in me, that I could shed this weight. I really don't blame her. I've been on/off diets so many times over the past 6 years. However this time is different. This time I feel confident. Totally aware of my surroundings, the choices I'm making and the progress I'm achieving. This time is also FUN. I'm having a great time during my workouts. I'm enjoying the food I'm eating. I feel satisfied, I have mastered my cravings.

Thanks for the boost of confidence today UPS man :)

Feeling good

I have decided that my official weigh in day should be Sunday. With my new scale at home I find myself constantly getting on to check the number. Since discovering that I started out heavier than I thought I've shed those 3 pounds and an additional one. :) I'm officially back in the 180's!

I didn't get in all the workouts I'd wanted to over the weekend. I achieved two out of the three. On the third day I was cleaning like a madwoman so maybe that counts for something.

My only cheat off plan over the weekend was iced tea two days in a row.

Today I'm wearing a pair of capri pants that were given to me as a hand-me-down from someone else I know that has lost a lot of weight. When I first received them I couldn't zip them so I'm thrilled to be wearing them today. They fit perfectly. Hopefully I'll only need to wear them a couple more times before handing them on to someone else after I've lost my weight.