Insane

Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again but expecting different results. THIS is driving me insane.... or perhaps I already am. I just cannot seem to stay on track. Why do I cave? I don't like doing it, I feel like complete crap afterwards and ruin my healthy streak. It's so not worth it yet it keeps happening. What the hell happened to my willpower? Ya know, I really don't expect to be perfect. Nobody is, but man do I fail in style. I know slipping up wouldn't be so bad if I were exercising too. I've got to find a way to work that into my day. I wake up at 5am to catch my 6am bus. There are no gyms near my work and it's a damn scary area to be walking outside. Three days a week when I get home I feed the kids a quick snack before taking them to gymnastics. When we get home it's homework time & then bedtime. By the time that is all finished it's 9pm and I haven't had any time to myself. I really want to get to bed by 10pm since my day starts so early.

Thankfully I have great communication with my dear husband so he is going to take over some of the gymnastic evenings. Therefore I'd get to spend extra time at home hopefully opening up some time to workout. Hopefully a body in motion will make the falling off the wagon part less of a blow.

Must

Keep

Working

My trend

It occurred to me this weekend that I have a monthly weight loss trend. And that it would greatly benefit me to break the cycle. It's roughly a 4 week cycle... gee I wonder why ;) Anyway, it goes as follows -

Week 1 I do OK maybe shed a pound, I'm really working hard at getting on track.

Week 2 Is really great. I'm down probably 2 or 3 pounds.

Week 3 I am getting PMS-y and crave everything under the sun the week before my period. Gain some.

Week 4 I'm bloating, retain water, gain or retain weight. Things get better the day AF arrives.

Start over.

Week 1 I struggle to regain composure and have to fight to lose the weight I've just gained.

Week 2 I manage to sneak down on the scale.

Week 3 ... you get the idea

So far I've managed to lose enough during weeks 1&2 that I'm slowly working my way down the scale at the average of one pound a week. This is week 9 or so on the Atkins diet and I am indeed down a total of 9 pounds from my starting weight at that time. (16 pounds down from my highest) For most people on the Atkins plan the weight just flies off. I think I would have better results if I could just contain myself during weeks 3&4.

Today marks the beginning of week 3 for me. And I can tell. I just need to EAT. Chocolate would be fantastic. A Hershey bar followed by a vanilla shake sounds just perfect for breakfast. Well, now that I've typed it out it's not so hot. I need to hold onto control. I need to keep my ultimate goals in mind. As Lance Armstrong puts it - LIVE STRONG

A week

I can't believe it's been a whole week already since I last posted. It's just flown by. Although there is not much to report. I still am not putting together eating healthy with exercise on the same day. That's getting a little old. However I'm finding it hard to workout at all so I guess staying on plan is a good thing to be concentrating on. My oldest daughter has gymnastics twice a week and rock climbs with daddy another night. Then my youngest daughter has gymnastics on a different night. There is a lot of running around in my life now. Finding time to workout is difficult. I had wanted to go walking while gymnastics was going on, but I'm in the middle of a project. I find those nights of waiting around perfect time to focus on this project. Perhaps I could convince myself to split the time between walking & working. That would be the smart thing to do.

Even without exercise the scale is moving in the direction I want it to go. That's a huge bonus. I'm actually looking forward to my weigh-in for 3FC's Biggest Loser. And I think I'll be making my September goal weight as well. GO ME!

NSV

Non-Scale Victory. Such lovely words. After taking my photo yesterday I thought I should do some measuring. These results are comparative to last month's measurements, not overall. My chest was the same, but I've lost two inches around my bra line. My ribs are there! I'm down an inch around my belly button however I'm still the same around the big bulk of my belly below my belly button. I guess my melting from the top downward theory is correct. My hips are down a half inch. My upper thigh is down TWO inches!! My knees and calves are down half an inch each. Oh, and my upper arms are down an inch as well.

I'm almost to the point of needing new bras. The cups are fine however I'm on the inner most clasp and it's still a little loose. I could zip up my knee high boots this morning with ease. In the past I've had to stuff some fat into them & hold the zipper tight to get them closed. The shirt I'm wearing today used to be tight in the sleeves but now it looks like a normal shirt should. I've previously only worn this shirt with a covering sweater to hide my arms and upper back rolls. Today I'm confident without the cover. I'm sure it doesn't look stunning, but it's a huge accomplishment for me to not wear layers to hide behind.

Melting is not so pretty

I seem to be melting downward. It's not so pretty. While I am grateful that stuff is happening... well, why can't it look nice while it happens?? I love that I'm nice & slim on my upper waist (makes my boobs look bigger) but it's super ugly now that it's pronouncing my belly. I look more pregnant now that I'm loosing weight that I did at my heaviest. That's just sad. I've also figured out that I'm losing on the sides - so I'm not as wide however my belly sticks out more.

I've joined in the Biggest Loser at 3FC. I'm really excited about this, it's great motivation as I don't want to let my team down. I can't seem to eat right AND exercise on any given day. Hopefully the Biggest Loser will remind me to be vigilant at every turn.

Goals and rewards

They've never worked for me in the past. For two reasons, first because usually the only rewards I can think of are food oriented. Like try a restaurant I've been eyeing or indulging in a treat day... which is horrible itself because that causes me to over-do it. The other reason rewards don't work for me is because, well, I am an impatient bastard. I think of something non food related and I can't wait. Once that thought is in my mind I can't think of much else until gratification.

So as I've been mulling over goals, rewards, binging, staying on plan, exercise, etc., it occurs to me that my overall problem, the thing that relates to all these topics is my need for instant gratification. I tend to not reach my weight loss goals because it doesn't happen fast enough. And of course binging / going off plan is the epitome of instant gratification. Therefore I think it's time to make some short term goals and rewards that are do-able and good practise in delayed gratification. They are:

1. Well, I don't have a reward for my first goal, but I'm already striving for it so it remains Goal #1 - to reach 10 hours of exercise by Labor Day.
2. To shed 5 pounds by Sept 25th. I've been thinking about getting my eyebrow pierced. If I reach this goal an eyebrow piercing will be a gift I give myself for my birthday in October.
3. To lose another 5 pounds (10 pounds total) by my birthday, October 25th. I desire (oh gosh this is personal to be typing!) a Brazilian wax.
4. My last short-to-mid-term goal is to go through my Wii Active 30 Day Challenge TWICE! Now I'm doing the medium setting and next I'll do the hard setting. This will put me into November which is perfect for my next reward - my sister-in-law will have completed P90X and ready to pass it on to me. I've been eyeing P90X for a very long time. If I can accomplish Goals 1-4 I think I'll be ready to start P90X without dying.

These goals seem great to me, and very attainable. They take me through the autumn and when I've completed them I'll be ready to set some great new goals and rewards for the Holiday season. For the first time I'm actually excited about having short term goals instead of just focusing on the huge picture.

Choices

It's all about the choices we make, isn't it? I could choose to dwell on this past weekend, sinking deeper and losing control. But that's not a choice I like, no thank you. I've chosen to continue to work towards my short term goal. I wanted to complete 10 hours of exercise before Labor Day. When I started that was just a 1/2 hour a day. But since I had some problems keeping sane at the end of August it's turned into a hour a day. And damn skippy does that feel good!! I even woke up early this morning to get in front of the Wii Active 30 Day Challenge because I knew it'd be hard to do later in the day with the stuff I have going on.

Normally I take the bus to work, but since I have access to our car this week I've been driving. This also puts a twist on lunch. Usually I pack a healthy lunch but the lure of getting to actually leave the building at lunch is such a huge draw that I feel compelled to take advantage. Dairy Queen is nearby. So is McDonald's. But those aren't good choices so I've passed them up! Instead I've been opting for deli salads, chicken tacos and Subway (the good menu).

It's just been me & the kids at home since last Friday. My husband is on an awesome rock climbing trip in Yosemite. I didn't really realize how much I've come to depend on him. It's never been like that before. He always has a climbing trip, I go visit friends around the country on my own... yes we appreciate being together but we don't *need* each other. However I'm really struggling this time. I feel very alone. In the past I've liked being home without him, I seem to get so much accomplished and actually get to control the clicker ;) But here I am faced with another choice. I can brood over the fact that he's not returning until Labor Day or I can make the decision to get over it. I'm NOT going to sit & eat bon-bons in the hope that chocolate will fill the space. What good will that do? I'm not sure what the "right choice" is here, but I do know that it has something to do with the power of distraction.

If I had actually fallen

If I had actually fallen, I probably would have landed myself in the hospital with all sorts of broken bones, bruises and scratches. Boy oh boy did I fall off the wagon this weekend! I'm super ashamed to admit yet I know it's the only way I'll move past it and hopefully get the support I need.

2 Dairy Queen runs

1 bag of M&M's

a chocolate cake (no I didn't eat the whole thing but I didn't have to make it!)

pepperoni pizza

Wendy's.

I have purchased everything I need to go back to Phase 1, Induction, with dinner tonight. I refuse to be beaten by this, I'm getting back on my feet. Luckily I did keep up with some exercise over the weekend. I played a little Wii sports and then cleaned the playroom. I have 3 bags off to Goodwill, it's all vacuumed and dusted and organized into bins. Whew :)

Weigh-in is going to have to wait. I'm not stepping on the scale when I'm so depressed about an awful weekend. Some might say I have the potential to be surprised, however I don't have the human support to pick me up if it is bad. I feel really alone in this. I wonder if everyone just assumes I'll fail so they don't want to get involved. Or maybe I'm too self absorbed in it, people don't want to talk to me about it anymore. I don't know. I just think I'm a friend repellent.

Despite the gloomy friend outlook I'm still determined to not let this weight beat me. I've had a weekend off and now I'm back on board with a vengeance. GO ME!

Thank you UPS man

My regular UPS driver just dropped off a package and asked me if I'd been losing weight. Why yes, yes UPS man I have been! :) I like that guy

I'm also really liking my TheraShoes I purchased last week. I'm no longer sore like I was when first wearing them, but I can still feel them working. I'm not sure I should workout in them however. The off balance could be beneficial but I don't want to hurt myself either.

The Wii Active 30 Day Challenge workout last night was kick ass. I'm pretty sure I lunged, squatted and high kicked my derriere off. That's good, that huge thing needs to go. After that I was feeling quite pumped so did some basketball moves, more boxing and some dance moves. I think my total clock time was an hour & a half.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention - my dedication victory. Last night I was at my mom's for dinner. She made spaghetti. I didn't hide the fact that I wasn't going to eat the noodles. Usually I'm ashamed to admit I'm trying to lose weight so just eat smaller portions of whatever good & fattening thing she's made (she's a fantastic cook but doesn't pay attention to healthy ingredients). It was a little awkward denying the helping of noodles and just eating the meat sauce. I also don't think she believed in me, that I could shed this weight. I really don't blame her. I've been on/off diets so many times over the past 6 years. However this time is different. This time I feel confident. Totally aware of my surroundings, the choices I'm making and the progress I'm achieving. This time is also FUN. I'm having a great time during my workouts. I'm enjoying the food I'm eating. I feel satisfied, I have mastered my cravings.

Thanks for the boost of confidence today UPS man :)

Feeling good

I have decided that my official weigh in day should be Sunday. With my new scale at home I find myself constantly getting on to check the number. Since discovering that I started out heavier than I thought I've shed those 3 pounds and an additional one. :) I'm officially back in the 180's!

I didn't get in all the workouts I'd wanted to over the weekend. I achieved two out of the three. On the third day I was cleaning like a madwoman so maybe that counts for something.

My only cheat off plan over the weekend was iced tea two days in a row.

Today I'm wearing a pair of capri pants that were given to me as a hand-me-down from someone else I know that has lost a lot of weight. When I first received them I couldn't zip them so I'm thrilled to be wearing them today. They fit perfectly. Hopefully I'll only need to wear them a couple more times before handing them on to someone else after I've lost my weight.

It helps

It really helped me to blog yesterday. After I got that all off my chest I was able to refocus and get on with it. A huge plus for me was that instead of grabbing for comfort food while feeling down I stayed clear of a binge and took myself shopping. I invested a little in myself and bought TheraShoes. They are the ones with the curved soles like FitFlops that help tone your legs as you walk. I felt a difference immediately. So far I'm really impressed with them.

Blogging and investing in myself also had the added benefit of getting me to stay on plan all day. It felt so good to eat healthy, stay within my carb range and eat some really great tasting food. My new favorite is a lettuce wrap. I lay a bunch of leaves crisscrossing and put chicken, grated parmesan, cucumber slices and green peppers in the middle and then roll it all together to make a wrap. I also found a great low sugar, low carb organic dressing that I put in there to spruce it up a bit.

My biggest score from yesterday was my measurements. I had previously measured myself two weeks ago. I'm happy to report that my belly is down 2 inches and my hips are down 3 inches. I forgot to look at my previous measurement for my upper waist, but I'm sure that's gone down too since the new number was quite small. These measurement numbers make me wonder if my original weight when starting Atkins was actually higher than I thought. Weighing in on a broken scale for so long probably made it really skewed. I do have some "official" numbers from the doctors office a while back so at least I have something to compare my future losses against.

Staying the course

It seems that lately I'm *almost* perfect when it comes to staying on task. Perfection is not a requirement, however each imperfection (while small in itself) compounds upon the next which results in something major. In "not sweating the small stuff" it seems to me that I'm creating a problem. Yesterday it was the soft shell taco. The ingredients IN the taco were all on plan and healthy however since I'm trying to do Atkins the shell was off limits. Yet I convinced myself that one small shell won't matter. But it does matter if that means I went over my carb limit for the day. The previous evening was the same story. One small handful of Whole Grain Wheat Thins was OK... right?? NO LIZ!! They were not OK. And quite honestly not even that great tasting. Going off plan causes me stomach discomfort. I get headaches it seems from too many carbs. It's physically not fun to cheat on myself. So why did I do it?

This imperfection is seeping into my workouts too. One day I'm having so much fun at it that I'm active for at least an hour if not two hours. I burn, I'm a little sore, I feel happy. The next day I'm pumped to do another workout all day long. When I finally get the opportunity I don't do it. WHY? As I blogged previously one night it just didn't occur to me to do it until I had a prompt. That doesn't make any sense, especially since I'd probably been looking forward to it earlier the same day. Last night was very similar except I made the conscious decision not to do it even though I'd made a big deal about doing it while still at work. I'd convinced myself I was too tired and deserved a rest day. But a rest day from what? I hadn't done it the previous day and I know that it would have given me energy if I'd actually done it. How can I break this cycle?

Yesterday I bought myself a new scale. Ours hasn't worked properly in a long while. I got a nicer one that shows BMI, body fat %, water composition and bone density. How it knows all those things is beyond me, but it should be interesting to follow along as the numbers change. I'm still resolute that they will change despite my whining in the above paragraphs. The new gadget also told me that I am 3 pounds heavier than I'd thought. Although maybe those 3 pounds are my vacation and cheats catching up to me.

Help along the way

Yesterday I needed help to stay focused and thankfully I received it.

The first instance was the beginning of a binge-fest. We still had leftover dessert that I had for the kids from Sunday and it was making it's way into my mouth. It was quite mindless. Without even thinking about what I was doing I was snacking on the chocolate covered bread while making dinner. I was halfway through my first piece when my husband came into the kitchen. He gently reminded me that I probably didn't want to be eating the carb loaded dessert. I immediately got rid of it. That would have easily turned into a very regrettable situation. Thank you sweetie!!

My next save came from the help of the website 3 Fat Chicks. I post there about my weight loss journey, it's a terrific support group. Dinner was over, my kids were playing, my husband had gone rock climbing so I was surfing the internet - facebook, my mommy board and then I arrived at 3 Fat Chicks. While reading the trials and successes of the people there it occurred to me that it was quite stupid to be reading about weightloss while sitting on my duff not having done my evening workout. So I logged off the computer and started up my Wii Active. I completed the 30 Day Challenge workout for the day which focused on lunges, squats, and my derriere, then continued onto some tennis and finished strong with boxing. My arms and butt are a little sore today but I'm grateful for the inspiration that 3 Fat Chicks provided!

Back from vacation

Overall I'm quite pleased. Usually I gain with all the inactivity and extra good food that vacation brings. However this time I stuck to my meal plan and actually did a couple of workouts. I didn't shed any weight but thankfully I didn't gain any either.

So to get it over with I will confess my "bads" :

• I ate a non-Atkins plan ice cream sundae, size small
• I drank. A lot. The alcohol it's self was low/no carb but I was still in induction phase so shouldn't have had any.
• We did stop at McDonalds but I'm not changing my ticker because I was good and got an Atkins friendly salad :)
• Yesterday I ate chicken fingers for lunch and pizza for dinner. Whoa was my stomach upset last night! And TMI - I'm super gassy today. It wasn't worth it and I won't be making that mistake again anytime soon.

The rest of the week I stuck to my Atkins menu. I even cooked other food items for my family & friends but didn't even feel tempted to partake.

I did bring my Wii but only did it twice. Honestly I'm OK with twice... usually I bring/intend to workout while on vacation only to take naps instead. The lake swimming doesn't count as exercise because it was so shallow. All I could really do is float & let the kids climb on me. There was a slight hike to get to the beach from our cabin, but after the first few days we decided that the mosquitoes were too bad in the woods so we drove.

I feel good, relaxed and love my tan. :)

On track

After my slight hiccup (one scoop of ice cream) I'm back on track. I did not have the ice cream last night, and it's now out of my house. Staying on plan feels easy again. And I'm doing killer workouts with my Wii Active. I've gotten another 2 hour trophy :)

The Wii is coming on vacation with me. I don't want to stray and our cabin has a TV. I'm sure I'll be getting in extra calorie burns with all the swimming & walking we'll be doing.

Previously to starting Atkins I had been avoiding red meat. I'd eat it occasionally, maybe 2 or 3 times a month. But now it's a regular part of my weekly Atkins menu. I'd like to dig a little deeper and come up with other options to get it off my plate again. It just doesn't feel healthy when my body is weighed down by it. I'm also realizing I'm relying too heavily on cheese. I do only stick to the 4 ounces recommended however it's another thing that doesn't have to grace my plate quite so often.

My new found food love is green pepper slices. Mmm! They are great for a quick grab snack and I just love the snap crunch. I also throw in some cucumber slices and I've got a great mid-morning snack at my desk. Today my co-workers and I ordered food from a local deli for breakfast. I love that they had a protein omelet on their menu! It was so easy to stay on plan. And then I ordered a cobb salad for my lunch. It was great that I didn't even bat an eye at any of the other menu options. I knew the types of foods I should seek and got what I wanted.

Dealing with some cravings

Whoa lordy am I dealing with some PMS issues! I am crabby although not quite as tired as I usually am - it must be because I've been more active. However the food cravings are kicking my ass. Yesterday at lunch I held on; the office order sandwiches and I ate mine carb-free, discarding the bread. I stuck with the green pepper slices I had brought from home instead of succumbing to the chips & cookies.

But alas last night I did partake of a small scoop of ice cream. I didn't feel overly guilty, it was small and I did NOT go for seconds, thirds or finish the pint. I did an extra long workout to mentally justify my treat.

Today I'm really battling the cravings. I want Wendy's so badly. It's screaming my name. Thankfully I have zero dollars on me. Not one cent and no way to access some, my dear sweet husband has our card and not anywhere near a bank. Normally that would piss me off but today I'm glad - he's helping without even knowing. I will be sticking to my pre-arranged lunch by default.

My real battle will be tonight. I need to serve my kids the rest of the ice cream and not eat any more myself. Then it will be out of the house and I will feel better.

I need to stop pretending I am a victim. Only I can save myself. And I am worth saving.

Too easy?

This is too easy... I seem to be doing it right however. I am staying on plan with no problems. Even when confronted with a buffet over the weekend. I selected items I knew were OK for Atkins and steered clear of all the rich & breaded items. I am shocking myself. There is no need for sweets, cakes, candy, cookies... nothing. I am not even feeling a twinge for chocolate. On past diets and "lifestyle changes" I've freaked out & binged by now. Why is this one working so smoothly?? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I'm certainly not going to wait around for the shoe to drop. No way! I'm going to strong, I LIKE what I'm eating.

I wear a lot of shirts over tank tops because most of my shirts don't button over my belly. Many haven't for a couple of years. This morning I put on my usual and for whatever crazy reason I decided to try the buttons. No problem. NO PROBLEM!! This shirt is damn cute. I'm so happy to be wearing it like a normal person again. Saturday I also had a "wtf" moment when I decided to pull out a tank top labeled Medium. Yeah, it's a large medium but I still haven't worn it for ages & ages. I actually felt good and confident in it! I wore it in public to the golf outing.

Yesterday I got a Wii Active trophy for being active for over 2 hours in one day. GO ME! I was just having so much fun I kept trying new activities. I did all the tennis, all volleyball, all the dancing, the custom workout I created a couple of days ago and the 30 Day Challenge workout. I feel good n'used today :)

Feeling successful

I had a fantastic workout last night. I did a custom programmed workout on my Wii Active. I put together dancing, boxing (lots of boxing), skating and baseball. It was so much fun I thought about doing the whole routine twice but figured that would be overkill. :) My arms are a little sore today after all the cardio boxing but it feels sooo nice. My arms are thick so it probably did them good.

After I was done I modified the routine a bit for next time. I made the dancing harder and then added some squats & rows at the end. I'm actually looking forward to working out tonight! wow And the added bonus, it said I burned 200 calories. Not bad for an 18 minute stint.

So far I'm loving Atkins. It's super easy to stay well below my accepted carb range and still get in 1600 calories a day. Plus my good fats are in perfect balance. The pleasant surprise - I'm full. I feel satisfied after a meal and my snacks. Usually the feeling of hunger combined with the knowledge that there are forbidden foods drives me to binge. So far so good!

I did some math today (I know, yuck!) but the results were really cool! My basic calorie expenditure for my height/weight is 2147. That means just going to work, eating, sleeping, general daily activities I'm burning 2147 calories. To maintain my weight I'd be eating the same... which I have based on my log entry at SparkPeople.com. Oiy! Anyway, since I'm restricting my calories to 1600 that means I'm burning 547 calories naturally every day. Add on workouts, like the 200 calories from yesterday and that gets me to 747 calories burned everyday. One pound is 3500. So that means at my current rate I'll be dropping one pound every 5 days (rounding up - the calculation is actually every 4.68 days). Which is 6 pounds per month... 54 pounds by my goal of April 2010, before we go to Ireland. Which puts me beyond my goal weight!

Of course I know everything doesn't always go that smoothly. There will be hiccups along the way and plateaus to deal with. But just seeing what the potential is like makes me very motivated to stay the course.

Ticker

Decisions have been made.

Decision #1 I will be putting my gym membership on hold. Not entirely giving it up, but just freezing it long enough for me to decide if I can get in enough exercise with the Wii.

Decision #2 I bought the Wii Active set. I did my first workout this morning. I'll be doing the 30 Day Challenge. I didn't know what to expect so put the setting on Low. I really enjoyed it and could feel myself moving. Next session will be set to medium, a setting that I know I can accommodate. I'm too chicken to try Hard yet.

Decision #3 Since I've already made the choice to try Atkins for two weeks I thought that I should really give it time to actually make a difference, if it's going to for me. So with that in mind I've come to the conclusion that I should make a solid effort for at least 3 months. I'm a skeptic, not that it will/won't work but that I can stick with something for so long.

Decision #4 Goodbye Wendy's. Today was my FINAL day there, or any fast food for that matter. Since I'll be giving Atkins a good go I figured it's the perfect opportunity to get rid of all fast food. I've made a ticker to keep myself going. It'll show how long it's been since my last day of fast food. And coincide with my first day of Atkins (starts with dinner tonight).

Decision #5 Feel good about myself. I really need to stop beating myself up about my struggles and what I see in the mirror. I need to start liking what I see and creating a positive self image. My first step was to bring back the pink highlights. It's sooo superficial but at this point I need all the help I can get. I feel funky, spirited and ready to tackle everything, oh and a little sassy ;)

Simultaneous

It seems to me that either I eat well (with minor slip-ups) or I exercise. So I maintain my weight. Hrmm, in order to lose this weight I need to do both simultaneously. Over the weekend my food choices weren't the best yet I played Wii a lot (boxing, bowling & batting = sweating, esp the boxing), did the Callanetics dvd a couple of times and got in a few great walks. I got the good kind of soreness.

Now today I'm back at work and I'm out of Slim-Fast AND out of oatmeal! There are no choices. I had Wendy's. Of course a person might think I'd be able to control myself & get a salad. HA! I need to bring my food from home. I think Slim-Fast should only be used in a crisis situation, no alternatives. It's just not that great for a person. So... I've been mulling over doing an Atkins type plan. I've already gone "lower carb" so I don't really think it'll be that difficult for me to go that extra step. After surfing the Atkins website for a while I saw some recipes that I really liked. And the best part about some of them is that they can be made in advance and will last for a couple of days. I don't mind cooking, I just hate to do it everyday.

I have the option to get my groceries delivered, which I LOVE! There are no last minute grabs and I don't veer off my list with impulse buys. So I put together a menu for two weeks of Atkins foods and placed my order. My groceries will be delivered Wednesday afternoon.

Another thought I've been toying with since getting my Wii is quitting the gym. I don't go anymore. My gym partner has quit, there is no motivation for me to go. It's a hassle. The only reason I haven't given it up already is my fear of not getting enough exercise. Will the Wii be enough? I also have DVD's and can go on walks & hikes. I know myself, once I establish a routine I don't like to break from it. Can the gym be in my routine?? Is is solid enough to actually become a routine? I have my doubts. Plus the other down side is those boxing classes I mentioned in an earlier post. They are at a gym that I don't have easy access to without my partner because of transportation. So in reality all I'll be going to the gym for is the treadmill & some weight machines. BOR-ING Kinda sounds like I'm giving it up doesn't it?

Emotional Eating

I'm a closet emotional and binge eater. I hide it very well. My bus stop on the way home from work stops right by a gas station. I've wandered in for some candy or chocolate countless times. I'm careful to have it finished before I round the block to my home - just in case anyone would see.

I hide small treats in my purse only to pull them out when I am in the house alone, or after the kids are in bed. While my hottie husband is rock climbing I am sitting on my duff stuffing my face. I even walk the wrapper to the outside trash just in case he'd notice it in our kitchen receptacle.

There are countless occasions that I'll have eaten my first sweet so quickly that I hardly remember it and clearly wasn't satisfied from it. So I'll have another. Who cares if this is my second bowl of ice cream?? There are no witnesses and the cat isn't going to tell on me.

This past year I've really made an effort to stop my evening binging. I'm pleased to say that I've stopped. It's been months since I've stopped at the gas station or pigged out on my sofa. But for every habit that is broken something takes it's place right? Really all I've done is move my cravings from the evening into the afternoon. That damn Wendy's isn't helping either. Nor are the new vending machines. It's all too easy. I've made a lot of effort to get this type of binge eating under control. I know I'm not AS out of control as I was during the evenings because I can't take *another* break just to get seconds. And besides, I'm not alone. People might see that I continue to stuff my face.

Yesterday morning we learned of Zach's cousin's death. It's been all over the news, perhaps you've heard or read about it. Tyler Heilman. Honestly I didn't know him well at all, maybe met him a small handful of times but it's still shocking when it hits so close to home. This morning I've learned of another death. Same situation, I've not known this person however it deeply affects others close to me and is plain tragic. And I can't help but think about these deaths over and over again. It makes my emotions reel almost out of control. I instinctively reach for something to eat. It feels like I *need* that Frosty or I'll go in autopilot to the pit stop at Holiday on my way home.

I've been working so hard to get the binge under control and now I feel myself slipping. How do I maintain a grasp?

Thank you rain

My craving this morning for a Wendy's trip was very strong. I had to keep a steady stream of encouraging talk running through my head not to go over there.

Ireland.

Wedding Dress.

Hawai'i.

Wendys!!

I popped a piece of gum. With one hour until lunch I had to convince myself it wasn't worth it.

Ireland.

Wedding Dress.

Hawai'i.

I bravely went to lunch in our lunchroom, eating the healthy things I had prepared. Then I tried to calmly sit to read my book. But I couldn't get Wendy's cookie dough frosty out of my head. It was calling me. I tried desperately not to think about it.

Finally I just didn't have the willpower anymore. I'd battled with myself for 3 hours. As I was getting nearer to the door I realized that it was pouring rain outside. I'd get soaking wet. It'd suck so much to have to dry out at my desk. I didn't go.

I feel bad that my will power wasn't keeping me back. I should be stronger than that, ugh pathetic. And if struggling through all that wasn't bad enough - as I got back to my desk feeling that it was over & that I'd made it through my lunch "opportunity", a group of co-workers were headed out to lunch ... "We are headed to Wendy's, can we bring you back a Frosty?"

OMFG!! NO!!

I smiled politely and said "No thank you, I'm really full from my lunch".

And now, please let it be over.

Types of Love

I have been over-weight for 5 of my 31 years on this planet. (not counting several months on prednisone as a baby) I haven't felt like "me" in all those years and it's taking a toll. I'm extremely insecure and self conscious. There is always this tiny message in the back of my head that I don't get included because of my weight. Most of my friends are outdoorsy people. Heck, I am an outdoorsy person so it kills me that I can't keep up. This little annoyance in the back of my mind also tells me that husbands sometimes can't get past that physical appearance part. Yes, I'm getting paranoid.

My husband and I have always discussed our love. What "type" we feel, how it's changed, etc. We both agree that we did not necessarily marry for the deep bond of love we felt at the moment. Of course we loved each other but neither of us would have labeled it romantic like typical brides & grooms. He definitely had a "crush" on me when we first started dating, otherwise what would have been the attraction or point? We've always been drawn to each other physically.

He's been honest with me. He saw me as a true companion. Similar interests, path of life, we mesh well, I was a great friend to grow old with. I've been honest with him. I wasn't sure why, but I was drawn to the potential in him. Not particularly the him that was standing in front of me at the moment (which is probably why I said No to his date inquires multiple times).

Over the years our love has grown & blossomed. We've definitely experienced the Eros /erotic love which was a really nice addition! We've both admitted to loving each other more than we thought was possible. And we feel it's deep. I think if we had felt this type on the day we got married there wouldn't have been any question. It took 4 years of marriage to get there, but at least we arrived :) Every now-and-again we'll lay in each other's arms and realize that we are pretty darn lucky to have made it this far. And we relish in the fact that we both feel it's getting stronger and we appreciate our bond.

Friday night I confessed my misgivings as stated in the first paragraph of this post. My worry - if he only had a friendship type of love for me when I was young & hot and completely on top of my game, how on earth could he love me now that I feel washed up? He tried to re-assure me and offered whatever help he could give me. He pointed out that he's always been honest with me and with himself. I totally believe that he has, so when he pointed out that our sex life is still great.... well, how could it be great if he didn't think I was still good looking?? Good point. I asked how he would describe his love these days? He thought for a brief moment and then stunned me with "Absolute".

I've been mulling that over for the past couple of days. Is that just the answer I wanted to hear? Did he feel I was phishing for it and just needed to hear something positive because of my state of mind? I've analysed his conversations, body language, experiences as a couple & family, thought about our journey as a couple and as individuals looking for clues that might point to a True or False. He has since asked me what I've been thinking (I must wear my emotions on my sleeve). I was honest and told him I wasn't sure I believed his answer. "What does your heart tell you?" he asked. "Liz, you have let go. There is no denying us, stop second guessing. We've totally arrived".

I really couldn't have asked for a better response. I feel very empowered by our conversation. I really need support, now more than ever. I need to stick with my plan and reach for my goals. I do need to talk about my progress and my set-backs. I'm afraid of it going along the wayside once again. I'm terrified of not being successful. I'm thankful for him.

Fifty fifty

Last night I did not make it to aerobics class because my daughters had gymnastics. I did however, work up a sweat scrubbing my bathroom.

I did not wake up early this morning to get in Callanetics because my dear hubby was sleeping on the sofa in the room I needed to use for such a workout. Next time HE should scrub the bathroom like I'd asked so I can do a proper workout. :)

Lunch Round 2: I didn't even leave the building. I was prepared with a Slim-Fast for breakfast and a turkey/tomato/sprouts lettuce wrap with a 100 calorie Chex Mix pack for lunch. I did partake of a chocolate chip cookie however I'm fairly confident that is a step or two down from the cookie dough frosties from Wendy's. Baby steps right?? I also had the strong desire to get a pack of M&M's from the vending machine but I feel quite satisfied with just the one cookie. I am armed with sugar-free gum if another urge strikes. I feel like a Boy Scout "always be prepared".

Round 1: Me -vs- Wendy

That damn redheaded, pigtailed tramp. She always tries to lure me in with her oh-so-delicious chicken nuggets and salty goodness fries and creamy ice cream delights. Wendy's fast food is now on my DO NOT TOUCH list. I can't handle even walking in the store with intentions of a salad.

Well, today I won. ME! I stayed away. I had a lovely lunch at our company picnic table, in the sun reading my book. I had a Slim-Fast shake and one 100 calorie pack of Chex Mix for something to crunch.

We'll see who wins tomorrow's Round 2.

Outlandish Desires

I've got goals. Some are do-able. Some are small, some are grand. And two are down right astronomical.

Overall I'd like to get down to the 140 weight range. I've been at 132 during my adult life but I just don't think that realistic. If it happens, FANTASTIC! In general terms I have no time frame, no goal date - but more on that later.

Short term / Do-able :

• I'd like to get my eating habits under control. Wendy's chicken nuggets, fries and a cookie dough frosty is NOT a good lunch. Digorno cheese stuffed crust pizza is NOT an acceptable dinner. I go on vacation to a lake cabin in two weeks. I think I can get myself completely under control by then and stock that kitchen with healthy yet fun foods.
• Get into the routine of exercising at the very minimum of three times a week. I don't care if it's in the morning, a lunchtime walk or an evening class. I just need to get moving.
• Break through that first ten pounds. I don't have a timefrane date goal for this, maybe I should I don't know. However I will feel accomplished when it happens.

Mid-Term / Grander :

• To actually stick with it! People keep saying, "don't diet, it's a lifestyle change". I finally get it. I know myself well enough to know that I will not completely cut out chocolate. That's what dieters do. I need to accept that it's OK to have a small treat now if it will keep me from binging out on the whole half gallon of ice cream later. And exercise actually feels good! I dread doing it but feel fantastic afterwards. I need to remember that.
• I'd like to hike the Superior Hiking trail next spring. And not die trying to struggle through it. Breathing would be a problem for me now.

The Outrageous :

• We are thinking of going to Hawai'i in February 2010 with my parents & my brother/sister-in-law. I'd like to consider a regular swimsuit without a skirt or a cute tankini. That date is coming up fast... can I get swimsuit ready??
• Our ten year wedding anniversary is next summer, 2010. We are planning a trip to Ireland. Aside from all the hiking we'd like to do... oh boy here it is - completely outrageous!!.... I'd like to stay in a castle and wear my wedding dress to a fancy dinner!! EEK! Fit into that again?!? I must be insane. But I want it really badly.

Reasons

I have a visual of myself in my head. It's of a physically fit person.

I envision myself hiking, biking, swimming. I wear shorts and shop in normal stores that carry my size.

I'd like energy to say Yes to life.

I don't want to feel self conscious about making love to my husband with the lights on.

I want my self confidence back.

I don't want to be left out because I'm "that fat chick". And yes, that happens.

But most importantly I cry with fear when I read this,

"First, let me start off by saying that obesity is killing us all. I was obese, now I'm fat, and I no longer wish to be fat. The first step is to admit hey, I'm not "chubby" -- I am in grave medical danger and doing serious harm to myself.

(I need to ) stop shoving food in my mouth as a means of consoling myself in times of grief, punishing myself when things went bad, or congratulating myself when things went right. The critical part was how and why I was eating -- it clearly wasn't for sustenance. "

Why THIS time? My game plan

What has changed to make me think that THIS time will be my time to actually shed this weight? Honestly, I don't know. I've said before that I am sick & tired of being heavy. I can't run with my kids. I can't hike with my husband. My calves are too big to fit into ski boots. I don't like swimming because I'd have to wear a suit. THAT IS NOT ME!! It's not the me I want to be.

I am armed with the knowledge of how and what needs to be done. The trick for me is to keep at it. Don't get discouraged or side-tracked. It may seem overwhelming to some, but I need all these options, if one fails I can use the others as a back-up plan. Here it is...

Monday, Wednesday and Fridays I am going to get up early and do Callanetics in my living room. It's a yoga/ballet/toning DVD. I also plan to go for walks during my lunch hour to get moving in the middle of the day.

Mondays and Wednesdays there is a Strength with Weights class at my gym after work that I plan on attending. Tuesdays after work is a cardio boxing class and Thursdays after work there is a Hip Hop dance class. Saturday mornings offers a kickboxing class. If I plan to attend all of them hopefully I'll actually make a class or two or three a week.

I have purchased Slim-Fast. It has worked for me in the past, I don't have to think about what to eat and it's simple. I plan on oatmeal & fruit for breakfast, Slim-Fast for lunch, a sensible snack and a healthy menu for dinner. I will allow myself treats. I know myself, if I deny then I'll just pig-out later. It's easier for me to just have the handfull of M&Ms now then to eat the whole bag at 7pm.

Yeah Yeah. It all sounds good. But will I still be plugging away in two weeks from now? A month from now?

History

In high school I was a ballet dancer. I ate whatever I wanted but looked toned because of the dancing. I held steady at 140 of almost pure muscle.

During college I stopped dancing but continued to eat. I ballooned to 165. The day I got married I was 155. After that there was a whole bunch of newly-wed dates to restaurants, learning how cook and portion for two (which in reality I cooked for 4). I slowly crept up to 185. Around the time of our second wedding anniversary I realized what was happening and hired myself a trainer. I also did the Slim-Fast program. A shake for breakfast, a shake & granola for lunch, apple for a snack and whatever for dinner (the dates continued). From March 2002 to June I whiddled my way down from 185 to 132 pounds. 53 pounds lost in about 3 months!! Obviously my body did not want to hang onto that extra weight. My trainer was awesome! Two days after I joyously weighed in at 132 I found out I was pregnant. I kept training all through my pregnancy and only gained 22 pounds. Three months after she was born I had lost 15 of that weight. That's all the further I would go.

When my first child was a year old I realized that I had gained back the weight I had struggled to lose before she was born. I weighed 175 pounds. That was devastating. I got a new job that paid for a climbing gym membership for me. However I'm afraid of climbing. But I did go to walk on the treadmill during my lunch hours. Too bad I didn't change my eating habits. The treadmill kept me from continuing to gain which is a good thing. Why wasn't I willing to take that extra step, to give up ice cream every day or to cook healthy instead of cheeseburgers? I know I would have lost weight. What was holding me back? Laziness. I don't want to give up the convenience of throwing a pizza in the oven. Healthy just doesn't seem to taste very good either.

When I got pregnant with my second child that gave me a license to stop visiting the treadmill and indulge in whatever craving I had. I didn't think too much of it however because the scale was pretty good to me. I was pregnant but only gained 25 pounds. I had put on 22 the last time & I was in the shape of my life, surely this 25 wasn't bad I told myself. Yeah, sure - actually 25 pounds to gain while pregnant is a great number. It's the fact that I didn't give ANY of it back after the birth that was the huge downer. I continued to be lazy and indulge in all my cravings. I actually gained another 4 to top out at 204 pounds during the spring of 2006. At this time I was a stay at home mom with a fully stocked pantry.

I didn't do a damn thing about it until that fall. I got a job I really loved and a co-worker & I decided to join LA Weight-Loss. I honestly didn't put my heart into it. I went through the motions, cheated a lot and only gave a half-assed attempt. Even though I managed to get out of the 200's. We only stayed on the program for 2 months but that got me to 189. I'm not sure why I wasn't more into the program. Maybe because it was solely focused on food. I love food. It tastes good. And really I didn't learn very much through the program. I already know how to eat healthy. I just don't want to do it. I'd complain about my weight. Eat healthy for a week then quit. Complain again a month later, workout for a week just to quit. Rinse, repeat. I stayed at 189 for the next year, until I got layed off. Once again I was a stay at home mom with easy access to all the snacks I wanted. And I wanted. I didn't even bother getting off my ass to workout. At the beginning of summer 2008 I was at 195.

I just couldn't stay home anymore. Not financially, not emotionally, not for my health. I started working again in July 2008. I continued my cycle of complaining about my weight, eating healthy/working out for short bursts of time. I'd cry about it, about my lack of motivation. But overall I generally ignored my weight. After seeing our Christmas 2008 photos I was horrified. I had ROLLS! Three gianormous ones in an otherwise cute picture of my family. I got a gym membership and bought a weight-loss book "Simply Woman". Of course, par for the course, I cheated on the book a lot. I just don't give up my food easily I guess. And I wasn't too consistent going to the gym either. I'd get there once a week, maybe twice during a good week. I kept looking back at that picture to get myself motivated. Even through my inconsistency I managed to see 180 pounds on the scale in early April 2009.

But then "I" happened. Same old, same old. I just couldn't stick with it. I DO NOT KNOW WHY!! It's frustrating as hell. I was making progress and only doing minimal things! Why did I quit going to the gym?? Why did I trade in delicious grilled chicken for alfredo pasta? What I was eating tasted good and it was simple. I had time in my schedule to go to the gym. Why did I have to F it up?

Here it is July 2009. I weigh 192. I am sick.and.tired.of.it. I feel like a sexy bitch trapped inside of a oopa-loompa.

Pictures

Let's get some photos going.

Right before I was pregnant with my first child I lost the weight I had gained from the Freshman 15, the Newly Married 15, the "not happy with weight I've gained" 15 - to get down to a stunning 132 pounds. It

was less than I had weighed when I graduated high school and even then I wasn't considered overweight. This is shortly after that first pregnancy however it's the closest picture I have to me looking good. That's unfortunate!

Shortly after this photo was taken I let myself go again. I didn't have the money for a gym membership anymore and I had gone back to school. Any free time I did have to dedicate to my health I

used for studies instead. With studying comes the late night sessions of books & snacks. It was liking gaining in college all over again.

This is the same dress in both photos. The "me" on the left is summer of 2006 six months after giving birth to my second child, on the right is the following summer after I had lost a little baby weight but none of my "overweight" weight. My arms look the same, my face is a little slimmer and you can actually see the satin waist band in the second photo.

Now I look pretty much the same. That's really sad. I've been struggling to take off this weight for 5 years. It's time.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife ate it all

I am sick of it. I don't want to be this way. My husband and even my kids make great food choices and are very active. I want to keep up.

Here I go.