Feeling successful

I had a fantastic workout last night. I did a custom programmed workout on my Wii Active. I put together dancing, boxing (lots of boxing), skating and baseball. It was so much fun I thought about doing the whole routine twice but figured that would be overkill. :) My arms are a little sore today after all the cardio boxing but it feels sooo nice. My arms are thick so it probably did them good.

After I was done I modified the routine a bit for next time. I made the dancing harder and then added some squats & rows at the end. I'm actually looking forward to working out tonight! wow And the added bonus, it said I burned 200 calories. Not bad for an 18 minute stint.

So far I'm loving Atkins. It's super easy to stay well below my accepted carb range and still get in 1600 calories a day. Plus my good fats are in perfect balance. The pleasant surprise - I'm full. I feel satisfied after a meal and my snacks. Usually the feeling of hunger combined with the knowledge that there are forbidden foods drives me to binge. So far so good!

I did some math today (I know, yuck!) but the results were really cool! My basic calorie expenditure for my height/weight is 2147. That means just going to work, eating, sleeping, general daily activities I'm burning 2147 calories. To maintain my weight I'd be eating the same... which I have based on my log entry at SparkPeople.com. Oiy! Anyway, since I'm restricting my calories to 1600 that means I'm burning 547 calories naturally every day. Add on workouts, like the 200 calories from yesterday and that gets me to 747 calories burned everyday. One pound is 3500. So that means at my current rate I'll be dropping one pound every 5 days (rounding up - the calculation is actually every 4.68 days). Which is 6 pounds per month... 54 pounds by my goal of April 2010, before we go to Ireland. Which puts me beyond my goal weight!

Of course I know everything doesn't always go that smoothly. There will be hiccups along the way and plateaus to deal with. But just seeing what the potential is like makes me very motivated to stay the course.

Ticker

Decisions have been made.

Decision #1 I will be putting my gym membership on hold. Not entirely giving it up, but just freezing it long enough for me to decide if I can get in enough exercise with the Wii.

Decision #2 I bought the Wii Active set. I did my first workout this morning. I'll be doing the 30 Day Challenge. I didn't know what to expect so put the setting on Low. I really enjoyed it and could feel myself moving. Next session will be set to medium, a setting that I know I can accommodate. I'm too chicken to try Hard yet.

Decision #3 Since I've already made the choice to try Atkins for two weeks I thought that I should really give it time to actually make a difference, if it's going to for me. So with that in mind I've come to the conclusion that I should make a solid effort for at least 3 months. I'm a skeptic, not that it will/won't work but that I can stick with something for so long.

Decision #4 Goodbye Wendy's. Today was my FINAL day there, or any fast food for that matter. Since I'll be giving Atkins a good go I figured it's the perfect opportunity to get rid of all fast food. I've made a ticker to keep myself going. It'll show how long it's been since my last day of fast food. And coincide with my first day of Atkins (starts with dinner tonight).

Decision #5 Feel good about myself. I really need to stop beating myself up about my struggles and what I see in the mirror. I need to start liking what I see and creating a positive self image. My first step was to bring back the pink highlights. It's sooo superficial but at this point I need all the help I can get. I feel funky, spirited and ready to tackle everything, oh and a little sassy ;)

Simultaneous

It seems to me that either I eat well (with minor slip-ups) or I exercise. So I maintain my weight. Hrmm, in order to lose this weight I need to do both simultaneously. Over the weekend my food choices weren't the best yet I played Wii a lot (boxing, bowling & batting = sweating, esp the boxing), did the Callanetics dvd a couple of times and got in a few great walks. I got the good kind of soreness.

Now today I'm back at work and I'm out of Slim-Fast AND out of oatmeal! There are no choices. I had Wendy's. Of course a person might think I'd be able to control myself & get a salad. HA! I need to bring my food from home. I think Slim-Fast should only be used in a crisis situation, no alternatives. It's just not that great for a person. So... I've been mulling over doing an Atkins type plan. I've already gone "lower carb" so I don't really think it'll be that difficult for me to go that extra step. After surfing the Atkins website for a while I saw some recipes that I really liked. And the best part about some of them is that they can be made in advance and will last for a couple of days. I don't mind cooking, I just hate to do it everyday.

I have the option to get my groceries delivered, which I LOVE! There are no last minute grabs and I don't veer off my list with impulse buys. So I put together a menu for two weeks of Atkins foods and placed my order. My groceries will be delivered Wednesday afternoon.

Another thought I've been toying with since getting my Wii is quitting the gym. I don't go anymore. My gym partner has quit, there is no motivation for me to go. It's a hassle. The only reason I haven't given it up already is my fear of not getting enough exercise. Will the Wii be enough? I also have DVD's and can go on walks & hikes. I know myself, once I establish a routine I don't like to break from it. Can the gym be in my routine?? Is is solid enough to actually become a routine? I have my doubts. Plus the other down side is those boxing classes I mentioned in an earlier post. They are at a gym that I don't have easy access to without my partner because of transportation. So in reality all I'll be going to the gym for is the treadmill & some weight machines. BOR-ING Kinda sounds like I'm giving it up doesn't it?

Emotional Eating

I'm a closet emotional and binge eater. I hide it very well. My bus stop on the way home from work stops right by a gas station. I've wandered in for some candy or chocolate countless times. I'm careful to have it finished before I round the block to my home - just in case anyone would see.

I hide small treats in my purse only to pull them out when I am in the house alone, or after the kids are in bed. While my hottie husband is rock climbing I am sitting on my duff stuffing my face. I even walk the wrapper to the outside trash just in case he'd notice it in our kitchen receptacle.

There are countless occasions that I'll have eaten my first sweet so quickly that I hardly remember it and clearly wasn't satisfied from it. So I'll have another. Who cares if this is my second bowl of ice cream?? There are no witnesses and the cat isn't going to tell on me.

This past year I've really made an effort to stop my evening binging. I'm pleased to say that I've stopped. It's been months since I've stopped at the gas station or pigged out on my sofa. But for every habit that is broken something takes it's place right? Really all I've done is move my cravings from the evening into the afternoon. That damn Wendy's isn't helping either. Nor are the new vending machines. It's all too easy. I've made a lot of effort to get this type of binge eating under control. I know I'm not AS out of control as I was during the evenings because I can't take *another* break just to get seconds. And besides, I'm not alone. People might see that I continue to stuff my face.

Yesterday morning we learned of Zach's cousin's death. It's been all over the news, perhaps you've heard or read about it. Tyler Heilman. Honestly I didn't know him well at all, maybe met him a small handful of times but it's still shocking when it hits so close to home. This morning I've learned of another death. Same situation, I've not known this person however it deeply affects others close to me and is plain tragic. And I can't help but think about these deaths over and over again. It makes my emotions reel almost out of control. I instinctively reach for something to eat. It feels like I *need* that Frosty or I'll go in autopilot to the pit stop at Holiday on my way home.

I've been working so hard to get the binge under control and now I feel myself slipping. How do I maintain a grasp?

Thank you rain

My craving this morning for a Wendy's trip was very strong. I had to keep a steady stream of encouraging talk running through my head not to go over there.

Ireland.

Wedding Dress.

Hawai'i.

Wendys!!

I popped a piece of gum. With one hour until lunch I had to convince myself it wasn't worth it.

Ireland.

Wedding Dress.

Hawai'i.

I bravely went to lunch in our lunchroom, eating the healthy things I had prepared. Then I tried to calmly sit to read my book. But I couldn't get Wendy's cookie dough frosty out of my head. It was calling me. I tried desperately not to think about it.

Finally I just didn't have the willpower anymore. I'd battled with myself for 3 hours. As I was getting nearer to the door I realized that it was pouring rain outside. I'd get soaking wet. It'd suck so much to have to dry out at my desk. I didn't go.

I feel bad that my will power wasn't keeping me back. I should be stronger than that, ugh pathetic. And if struggling through all that wasn't bad enough - as I got back to my desk feeling that it was over & that I'd made it through my lunch "opportunity", a group of co-workers were headed out to lunch ... "We are headed to Wendy's, can we bring you back a Frosty?"

OMFG!! NO!!

I smiled politely and said "No thank you, I'm really full from my lunch".

And now, please let it be over.

Types of Love

I have been over-weight for 5 of my 31 years on this planet. (not counting several months on prednisone as a baby) I haven't felt like "me" in all those years and it's taking a toll. I'm extremely insecure and self conscious. There is always this tiny message in the back of my head that I don't get included because of my weight. Most of my friends are outdoorsy people. Heck, I am an outdoorsy person so it kills me that I can't keep up. This little annoyance in the back of my mind also tells me that husbands sometimes can't get past that physical appearance part. Yes, I'm getting paranoid.

My husband and I have always discussed our love. What "type" we feel, how it's changed, etc. We both agree that we did not necessarily marry for the deep bond of love we felt at the moment. Of course we loved each other but neither of us would have labeled it romantic like typical brides & grooms. He definitely had a "crush" on me when we first started dating, otherwise what would have been the attraction or point? We've always been drawn to each other physically.

He's been honest with me. He saw me as a true companion. Similar interests, path of life, we mesh well, I was a great friend to grow old with. I've been honest with him. I wasn't sure why, but I was drawn to the potential in him. Not particularly the him that was standing in front of me at the moment (which is probably why I said No to his date inquires multiple times).

Over the years our love has grown & blossomed. We've definitely experienced the Eros /erotic love which was a really nice addition! We've both admitted to loving each other more than we thought was possible. And we feel it's deep. I think if we had felt this type on the day we got married there wouldn't have been any question. It took 4 years of marriage to get there, but at least we arrived :) Every now-and-again we'll lay in each other's arms and realize that we are pretty darn lucky to have made it this far. And we relish in the fact that we both feel it's getting stronger and we appreciate our bond.

Friday night I confessed my misgivings as stated in the first paragraph of this post. My worry - if he only had a friendship type of love for me when I was young & hot and completely on top of my game, how on earth could he love me now that I feel washed up? He tried to re-assure me and offered whatever help he could give me. He pointed out that he's always been honest with me and with himself. I totally believe that he has, so when he pointed out that our sex life is still great.... well, how could it be great if he didn't think I was still good looking?? Good point. I asked how he would describe his love these days? He thought for a brief moment and then stunned me with "Absolute".

I've been mulling that over for the past couple of days. Is that just the answer I wanted to hear? Did he feel I was phishing for it and just needed to hear something positive because of my state of mind? I've analysed his conversations, body language, experiences as a couple & family, thought about our journey as a couple and as individuals looking for clues that might point to a True or False. He has since asked me what I've been thinking (I must wear my emotions on my sleeve). I was honest and told him I wasn't sure I believed his answer. "What does your heart tell you?" he asked. "Liz, you have let go. There is no denying us, stop second guessing. We've totally arrived".

I really couldn't have asked for a better response. I feel very empowered by our conversation. I really need support, now more than ever. I need to stick with my plan and reach for my goals. I do need to talk about my progress and my set-backs. I'm afraid of it going along the wayside once again. I'm terrified of not being successful. I'm thankful for him.

Fifty fifty

Last night I did not make it to aerobics class because my daughters had gymnastics. I did however, work up a sweat scrubbing my bathroom.

I did not wake up early this morning to get in Callanetics because my dear hubby was sleeping on the sofa in the room I needed to use for such a workout. Next time HE should scrub the bathroom like I'd asked so I can do a proper workout. :)

Lunch Round 2: I didn't even leave the building. I was prepared with a Slim-Fast for breakfast and a turkey/tomato/sprouts lettuce wrap with a 100 calorie Chex Mix pack for lunch. I did partake of a chocolate chip cookie however I'm fairly confident that is a step or two down from the cookie dough frosties from Wendy's. Baby steps right?? I also had the strong desire to get a pack of M&M's from the vending machine but I feel quite satisfied with just the one cookie. I am armed with sugar-free gum if another urge strikes. I feel like a Boy Scout "always be prepared".

Round 1: Me -vs- Wendy

That damn redheaded, pigtailed tramp. She always tries to lure me in with her oh-so-delicious chicken nuggets and salty goodness fries and creamy ice cream delights. Wendy's fast food is now on my DO NOT TOUCH list. I can't handle even walking in the store with intentions of a salad.

Well, today I won. ME! I stayed away. I had a lovely lunch at our company picnic table, in the sun reading my book. I had a Slim-Fast shake and one 100 calorie pack of Chex Mix for something to crunch.

We'll see who wins tomorrow's Round 2.

Outlandish Desires

I've got goals. Some are do-able. Some are small, some are grand. And two are down right astronomical.

Overall I'd like to get down to the 140 weight range. I've been at 132 during my adult life but I just don't think that realistic. If it happens, FANTASTIC! In general terms I have no time frame, no goal date - but more on that later.

Short term / Do-able :

• I'd like to get my eating habits under control. Wendy's chicken nuggets, fries and a cookie dough frosty is NOT a good lunch. Digorno cheese stuffed crust pizza is NOT an acceptable dinner. I go on vacation to a lake cabin in two weeks. I think I can get myself completely under control by then and stock that kitchen with healthy yet fun foods.
• Get into the routine of exercising at the very minimum of three times a week. I don't care if it's in the morning, a lunchtime walk or an evening class. I just need to get moving.
• Break through that first ten pounds. I don't have a timefrane date goal for this, maybe I should I don't know. However I will feel accomplished when it happens.

Mid-Term / Grander :

• To actually stick with it! People keep saying, "don't diet, it's a lifestyle change". I finally get it. I know myself well enough to know that I will not completely cut out chocolate. That's what dieters do. I need to accept that it's OK to have a small treat now if it will keep me from binging out on the whole half gallon of ice cream later. And exercise actually feels good! I dread doing it but feel fantastic afterwards. I need to remember that.
• I'd like to hike the Superior Hiking trail next spring. And not die trying to struggle through it. Breathing would be a problem for me now.

The Outrageous :

• We are thinking of going to Hawai'i in February 2010 with my parents & my brother/sister-in-law. I'd like to consider a regular swimsuit without a skirt or a cute tankini. That date is coming up fast... can I get swimsuit ready??
• Our ten year wedding anniversary is next summer, 2010. We are planning a trip to Ireland. Aside from all the hiking we'd like to do... oh boy here it is - completely outrageous!!.... I'd like to stay in a castle and wear my wedding dress to a fancy dinner!! EEK! Fit into that again?!? I must be insane. But I want it really badly.

Reasons

I have a visual of myself in my head. It's of a physically fit person.

I envision myself hiking, biking, swimming. I wear shorts and shop in normal stores that carry my size.

I'd like energy to say Yes to life.

I don't want to feel self conscious about making love to my husband with the lights on.

I want my self confidence back.

I don't want to be left out because I'm "that fat chick". And yes, that happens.

But most importantly I cry with fear when I read this,

"First, let me start off by saying that obesity is killing us all. I was obese, now I'm fat, and I no longer wish to be fat. The first step is to admit hey, I'm not "chubby" -- I am in grave medical danger and doing serious harm to myself.

(I need to ) stop shoving food in my mouth as a means of consoling myself in times of grief, punishing myself when things went bad, or congratulating myself when things went right. The critical part was how and why I was eating -- it clearly wasn't for sustenance. "

Why THIS time? My game plan

What has changed to make me think that THIS time will be my time to actually shed this weight? Honestly, I don't know. I've said before that I am sick & tired of being heavy. I can't run with my kids. I can't hike with my husband. My calves are too big to fit into ski boots. I don't like swimming because I'd have to wear a suit. THAT IS NOT ME!! It's not the me I want to be.

I am armed with the knowledge of how and what needs to be done. The trick for me is to keep at it. Don't get discouraged or side-tracked. It may seem overwhelming to some, but I need all these options, if one fails I can use the others as a back-up plan. Here it is...

Monday, Wednesday and Fridays I am going to get up early and do Callanetics in my living room. It's a yoga/ballet/toning DVD. I also plan to go for walks during my lunch hour to get moving in the middle of the day.

Mondays and Wednesdays there is a Strength with Weights class at my gym after work that I plan on attending. Tuesdays after work is a cardio boxing class and Thursdays after work there is a Hip Hop dance class. Saturday mornings offers a kickboxing class. If I plan to attend all of them hopefully I'll actually make a class or two or three a week.

I have purchased Slim-Fast. It has worked for me in the past, I don't have to think about what to eat and it's simple. I plan on oatmeal & fruit for breakfast, Slim-Fast for lunch, a sensible snack and a healthy menu for dinner. I will allow myself treats. I know myself, if I deny then I'll just pig-out later. It's easier for me to just have the handfull of M&Ms now then to eat the whole bag at 7pm.

Yeah Yeah. It all sounds good. But will I still be plugging away in two weeks from now? A month from now?

History

In high school I was a ballet dancer. I ate whatever I wanted but looked toned because of the dancing. I held steady at 140 of almost pure muscle.

During college I stopped dancing but continued to eat. I ballooned to 165. The day I got married I was 155. After that there was a whole bunch of newly-wed dates to restaurants, learning how cook and portion for two (which in reality I cooked for 4). I slowly crept up to 185. Around the time of our second wedding anniversary I realized what was happening and hired myself a trainer. I also did the Slim-Fast program. A shake for breakfast, a shake & granola for lunch, apple for a snack and whatever for dinner (the dates continued). From March 2002 to June I whiddled my way down from 185 to 132 pounds. 53 pounds lost in about 3 months!! Obviously my body did not want to hang onto that extra weight. My trainer was awesome! Two days after I joyously weighed in at 132 I found out I was pregnant. I kept training all through my pregnancy and only gained 22 pounds. Three months after she was born I had lost 15 of that weight. That's all the further I would go.

When my first child was a year old I realized that I had gained back the weight I had struggled to lose before she was born. I weighed 175 pounds. That was devastating. I got a new job that paid for a climbing gym membership for me. However I'm afraid of climbing. But I did go to walk on the treadmill during my lunch hours. Too bad I didn't change my eating habits. The treadmill kept me from continuing to gain which is a good thing. Why wasn't I willing to take that extra step, to give up ice cream every day or to cook healthy instead of cheeseburgers? I know I would have lost weight. What was holding me back? Laziness. I don't want to give up the convenience of throwing a pizza in the oven. Healthy just doesn't seem to taste very good either.

When I got pregnant with my second child that gave me a license to stop visiting the treadmill and indulge in whatever craving I had. I didn't think too much of it however because the scale was pretty good to me. I was pregnant but only gained 25 pounds. I had put on 22 the last time & I was in the shape of my life, surely this 25 wasn't bad I told myself. Yeah, sure - actually 25 pounds to gain while pregnant is a great number. It's the fact that I didn't give ANY of it back after the birth that was the huge downer. I continued to be lazy and indulge in all my cravings. I actually gained another 4 to top out at 204 pounds during the spring of 2006. At this time I was a stay at home mom with a fully stocked pantry.

I didn't do a damn thing about it until that fall. I got a job I really loved and a co-worker & I decided to join LA Weight-Loss. I honestly didn't put my heart into it. I went through the motions, cheated a lot and only gave a half-assed attempt. Even though I managed to get out of the 200's. We only stayed on the program for 2 months but that got me to 189. I'm not sure why I wasn't more into the program. Maybe because it was solely focused on food. I love food. It tastes good. And really I didn't learn very much through the program. I already know how to eat healthy. I just don't want to do it. I'd complain about my weight. Eat healthy for a week then quit. Complain again a month later, workout for a week just to quit. Rinse, repeat. I stayed at 189 for the next year, until I got layed off. Once again I was a stay at home mom with easy access to all the snacks I wanted. And I wanted. I didn't even bother getting off my ass to workout. At the beginning of summer 2008 I was at 195.

I just couldn't stay home anymore. Not financially, not emotionally, not for my health. I started working again in July 2008. I continued my cycle of complaining about my weight, eating healthy/working out for short bursts of time. I'd cry about it, about my lack of motivation. But overall I generally ignored my weight. After seeing our Christmas 2008 photos I was horrified. I had ROLLS! Three gianormous ones in an otherwise cute picture of my family. I got a gym membership and bought a weight-loss book "Simply Woman". Of course, par for the course, I cheated on the book a lot. I just don't give up my food easily I guess. And I wasn't too consistent going to the gym either. I'd get there once a week, maybe twice during a good week. I kept looking back at that picture to get myself motivated. Even through my inconsistency I managed to see 180 pounds on the scale in early April 2009.

But then "I" happened. Same old, same old. I just couldn't stick with it. I DO NOT KNOW WHY!! It's frustrating as hell. I was making progress and only doing minimal things! Why did I quit going to the gym?? Why did I trade in delicious grilled chicken for alfredo pasta? What I was eating tasted good and it was simple. I had time in my schedule to go to the gym. Why did I have to F it up?

Here it is July 2009. I weigh 192. I am sick.and.tired.of.it. I feel like a sexy bitch trapped inside of a oopa-loompa.

Pictures

Let's get some photos going.

Right before I was pregnant with my first child I lost the weight I had gained from the Freshman 15, the Newly Married 15, the "not happy with weight I've gained" 15 - to get down to a stunning 132 pounds. It

was less than I had weighed when I graduated high school and even then I wasn't considered overweight. This is shortly after that first pregnancy however it's the closest picture I have to me looking good. That's unfortunate!

Shortly after this photo was taken I let myself go again. I didn't have the money for a gym membership anymore and I had gone back to school. Any free time I did have to dedicate to my health I

used for studies instead. With studying comes the late night sessions of books & snacks. It was liking gaining in college all over again.

This is the same dress in both photos. The "me" on the left is summer of 2006 six months after giving birth to my second child, on the right is the following summer after I had lost a little baby weight but none of my "overweight" weight. My arms look the same, my face is a little slimmer and you can actually see the satin waist band in the second photo.

Now I look pretty much the same. That's really sad. I've been struggling to take off this weight for 5 years. It's time.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife ate it all

I am sick of it. I don't want to be this way. My husband and even my kids make great food choices and are very active. I want to keep up.

Here I go.